How A Toxic Relationship Led Me Back To Jesus

And saved me out of the false light of New Age spirituality

Image made by Stefano Ganddini using beta.dreamstudio.ai

Content note: This post discusses potentially sensitive and triggering topics such as depression, suicide, self-harm, and drug use. Reader discretion is advised. If these are difficult topics for you, please consider discussing this article with a trusted counselor or mental health professional.

Introduction

This is probably going to be the most vulnerable post I’ve ever written.

I’ve shared briefly about this relationship as a part of my testimony before, but never to the extent nor in as much detail as I plan on sharing today.

Before I begin, I want to be clear that I am not writing this with any malintent toward my ex (whom I have fully forgiven and whom I truly wish nothing but the absolute best for), nor I am writing this to seek pity or sympathy from anyone.

I’m writing this for the following three reasons:

1. For my own healing.

   Writing is often a form of therapy for me. It helps me process and make sense of things in a way that I’m unable to simply by thinking about them in my head.

2. For the healing of others.
   For anyone who has ever gone through something similar, I hope this post offers some healing for you as well, if for no other reason, than simply because it reminds you that you’re not alone in what you’ve experienced. When I first started to share with people what I’d been through and I started to hear stories from other people who’d gone through something similar, it didn’t necessarily make it any easier, but I found so much solace and comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone.

3. For the greater glory of God.

   This is ultimately the purpose behind all of my writing. I love to share my testimony story not because I’m the hero of it, but because God is. When I hit absolute rock bottom and was surrounded by complete and utter darkness, Jesus Christ saved me. And I honestly don’t think I’d be here today if it weren’t for Him. So I share this story today not for my own glory, but for His.

Oh, and one last note. I don’t use the term “toxic” lightly. I know this word gets tossed around way too much these days, but I’ve never used this word before in my life. I’m not trying to be overly dramatic here, or to just have a clickbaity title… but if there ever was a toxic relationship, this was it.

Alright, with all of that being said, grab yourself a cup of coffee, and let’s dive in…

Let’s Start At The Beginning

The night we met was April 2, 2021.

It’s easy for me to remember the date because it was the night before my 28th birthday.

We met at a Hollywood Mansion party.

I’d been to a few mansion parties before (I was also living in an Airbnb Mansion at the time), so this wasn’t a completely novel experience for me, but this one was on another level. This mansion was massive.

The party was actually advertised, if I remember correctly, as a “day festival.”

There were vendors, performers, DJ’s, workshops, etc. All super New Age-y stuff (if you don’t know what New Age is, I’ll get to that later) hosted in a gigantic, three-story mansion in the Hollywood Hills.

Since I hadn’t really made any plans for my birthday, I decided I’d pretend like this huge party was being thrown in celebration of me. In other words, I showed up in my biggest birthday celebration energy possible. I was excited.

That being said, I was not anticipating to meet a woman, nor was I looking to do so. That is, until the seed was planted in my mind…

Since I didn’t have a car at the time, I had asked a new friend of mine if he could drop me off at the party (I invited him as well, but he had other plans). Knowing it was my birthday the next day, he said he’d be happy to give me a ride.

Well, right as we made it to the drop off zone and I was getting ready to hop out of the car, he made a quick and unexpected comment:

“Have fun man, and make sure you get a birthday kiss tonight!”

I swear, I had zero intention of meeting a girl that night… until he said that.

I don’t remember what I said in response, I think I just laughed it off and thanked him for the ride. But once that seed had been planted, my man brain turned on, and I suddenly had a specific goal for the night.

“A birthday kiss would be great,” I remember thinking to myself. “Let’s see what happens…”

Well, not long after that moment—probably no more than half an hour later—I was talking to a woman who I thought might be my future midnight birthday kiss.

There was a magical mysteriousness about this woman that I was very attracted to, and we seemed to have an instantaneous chemistry. Throughout the rest of the night, we seemed to be orbiting around each other, almost like planets that had a magnetic pull toward each other. We talked for a bit, then I left and talked to some other people, then we danced on the dance floor for a bit, we separated again, we reconvened and talked some more, and then I remember she offered me to hit her THC vape pen (weed). Although I’d smoked quite a bit, on and off, throughout my adult life, at that time I wasn’t smoking. I was taking a break. I think it’d been at least a couple of months since I’d last smoked.

But she was cute. And it was my birthday. And… the birthday kiss.

So in a split-second decision, I accepted the vape pen. I broke my weed fast, and I got a little high. And long story short… yes, I ended up getting my midnight birthday kiss.

It was an incredible night. We both had a great time, and I literally couldn’t have imagined the night going any better than it did.

It was love at first sight and the start of a fairytale love story.

Or so I thought…

Fast Forward to June, 2022

15 months after that first magical kiss on my 28th birthday, I found myself going through the hardest, darkest, most painful experience of my entire life.

I’d been through breakups and heartbreaks before… but never anything like this.

After enduring over a year of intense emotional and psychological abuse, on a hot summer day in June of 2022, I finally made the tough but necessary decision to end our highly toxic and dysfunctional relationship.

Anybody who’s ever been in a relationship like that knows that once you’re in it, it’s not easy to get out. Despite the abuse, you still care for the person and naively think that you can help them (plus, a part of you is terrified of what they might do if you were to end the relationship).

On top of that, I was in denial of the abuse for a very long time, as I think is often the case when someone finds themself in this type of a situation. It wasn’t until I was on the phone with a friend one day sharing with him some of the details of what I was experiencing in our relationship, when he spoke the harsh truth to me that I need to hear:

“Stefano, you’re being abused.”

I pushed back,

“But she’s suffering from a mental illness. It’s not her fault.”

To which he responded that while she may indeed be fighting a mental illness, that didn’t justify the abuse I was enduring. Abuse is abuse, and there is no excuse. It was a shock for me to hear this at first, but I knew he was right.

Now to provide some more context here, she had shared with me early on that she had been diagnosed with PTSD a few years prior. As a seasoned “spiritual life coach,” (I had been running my own life coaching business for about 4 years already at that point), I appreciated that she shared this with me, and I was not afraid of hearing that she had this diagnosis. Nothing I couldn’t handle, I thought.

Oh boy was I wrong... Very wrong.

Granted, it wouldn’t be until much later that I would learn from her mother that her estranged father had borderline personality disorder (BPD), and therefore she suspected that she suffered from it as well. Based on the research I had done at that point (I’m not a psychologist, so I obviously couldn’t give a proper medical diagnosis), I had already come to the same conclusion that it was very likely that she suffered from BPD, and hearing this new information from her mother only provided further confirmation. But at that point, regardless of whether or not she had BPD, I was still determined to try to fix the problem and to save our relationship.

While I could finally acknowledge that the way I was being treated wasn’t right, I was still hopeful that we could work through it. So after the conversation with my friend I scheduled my first-ever therapy appointment, hopeful that if I could just take care of my own mental health enough to support her, then we could find a way to make it work.

It was in that therapy session, my first therapy session ever, that I finally received some helpful, practical advice from someone about how we might have a chance to save our relationship. After explaining my situation to the therapist, straight away he told me that the only way our relationship might have a chance was if my girlfriend received the in-patient mental health treatment she so clearly needed.

She was having a full-on mental health crisis, and once I heard him say this, it was obvious to me that this was indeed what she needed—intensive, 24/7 professional care. At least for some period of time, so she could re-stabilize and reset.

Just to paint the picture here of how severe of a crisis we’re talking about, not too long after I moved in with her, I was forced to hide the kitchen knives in our apartment. Why? Because we had an incident one day where I had to break down our bedroom door because she had locked herself in the room with a knife, and wouldn’t open it. Well, I nearly broke it down… After I punched a hole into the door using my fist, she got scared and opened the door. Thankfully, she had not yet done anything to herself with the knife (that time, at least). This was, unfortunately, only one of many terrifying incidents that soon became a normal part of my life throughout the duration of our relationship.

We’d often be in the middle of a perfectly pleasant conversation, and then the next second she’d be completely losing her mind. The worst part was, I’d often have no idea why. I eventually came to learn that she’d frequently misunderstand or misperceive the intentions behind the things I’d say, and there were specific topics that were especially triggering for her. So I’d attempt to be very careful with my words, but no matter how carefully and thoughtfully I tried to formulate my words, once she felt that I had wronged her or slighted her in any way (regardless of the reality), there was nothing I could do or say to convince her otherwise. She’d go from 0 to 100 real fast. Like, literally within seconds. And once she was off to the races, there was no stopping her. At that point, she’d begin releasing upon me what I can only describe as an uncontrollable rage like I’ve never seen before. It was vicious. It was brutal. It was relentless.

But most of all, it was heartbreaking.

To see this happening to a person—and not just any person, but the person whom I believed at the time to be the love of my life—over and over and over again… was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.

I truly cared for her, and it was clear to me that she was in a very, very dark place, and I so badly wanted to help her get out. But the more I tried to help, the worse things seemed to get.

I’m reminded of that analogy of what happens (or so I’ve heard) if you try to save someone who’s drowning—out of pure instinct to try to save their own life, they’ll pull you down with them.

So while my heart had so much compassion for her and the pain she was in, I was starting to see the impact all of this was having on me… and it wasn’t good. To say that I felt like I was “walking on eggshells” would be an understatement. It was more like I felt like I was walking through a minefield… with a blindfold on. The police were at our apartment frequently, usually because the neighbors would call, but sometimes because I had called them myself, out of genuine fear for her life. And at the same time, I was beginning to feel like I was losing my own sanity as well. In reaction to her frequent and unpredictable fits of rage, I was starting to have outbursts of rage, too—and that scared me a lot. I didn’t like who I was becoming.

In the final few months of our relationship, she made several attempts to end her life. There were also frequent threats and all kinds of other awful incidents I won’t divulge. And to be clear, I was by no means a perfect angel either—I certainly said and did some awful and regrettable things as well. Like I said, the whole situation was not good, and it was only getting worse by the day. After her third suicide attempt, I had finally reached my breaking point and came to the sobering realization that this situation was not going to get any better so long as I was in the picture. So, as much as I wanted to help her, and to be the savior of the situation, it became clear to me that there was no way I could fix this situation. Our relationship could not continue (and had clearly already gone on for far too long). The most loving thing I could do, for the both of us, was to let go.

So I did. I ended our relationship, and as I’d imagined, it didn’t go well… In fact, it went terribly. She ended up in the hospital (again) that day. I’ll spare you the details, but thanks be to God—she survived. And so did I. So although our relationship didn’t survive, we both did. And for that, I’m truly grateful to God.

About a week after I had ended our relationship, she was flown to an in-patient mental health treatment center in Florida to get the treatment she needed. Even though the original idea was to get her to this treatment center to try to save our relationship, this was still something I promised her I’d help her see through. Not as her boyfriend anymore, and not for our relationship anymore, but simply as someone who cared about her and her well-being. I had actually put together a whole crowdfunding campaign which we shared far and wide with our friends and family, through which we raised about half of the funds needed for this *very* expensive treatment, and then I ended up paying off the remaining amount out of my own pocket.

Was there a part of me that wanted to just immediately cut ties cold turkey, leave her to hang dry, and move on with my life? Yes, there was. And I wrestled with it. I honestly felt I would’ve been completely justified to do that, and I don’t think there should be any expectation for someone in a similar situation to not do just that.

But I couldn’t do that. Because like I said, I still cared deeply for her. And she needed this. And I knew that if I didn’t help her make this happen, it wasn’t going to happen. I prayed to God that he would help me see this through such that this would be the final thing I would give to her—as an act of pure love, without any bitterness or resentment—and that it’d be an opportunity for her to have a fresh start for the rest of her life.

Fast forward to today. We’re no longer in contact, and that’s certainly for the best. For both of us. But I still pray for her frequently and last I heard, she had a great experience in her treatment, she’s doing well, and she had even professed to be a Christian now as well… All of that is truly a miracle, in my mind.

All glory be to God!

Now, as for what happened to me in the aftermath…

The Scales Fell From My Eyes

In writing this post, I went back through my journal from during that time and I found the following journal entry from the day when she had left to Florida:

“She made it to the treatment center in Florida today.

Thank God! Praise God. We did it.

I am exhausted.

But I can finally breathe. Relax. Reset my nervous system.”

I think I was honestly just so relieved in that moment, so happy that she had made it to the treatment center, and so happy that I could finally focus on taking care of myself now.

But those next few days were brutal. My heart was broken. My nervous system was fried. I was completely and utterly broken.

It was the most excruciating pain I’d ever experienced. I was not only completely heartbroken but I was also incredibly confused. I remember I couldn’t stop asking myself:

“How in the world did I end up in this situation?”

I couldn’t make any sense of it.

Especially because remember, as I mentioned earlier, I was a seasoned “spiritual” life coach. I had already spent nearly a decade learning all the best self-help tools, and nearly half a decade learning all the best New Age spiritual practices (sorry I know I said I’d explain the New Age stuff, but I think I’ll have to save that for another post because this post is already getting way too long).

I’d already spent hundreds of hours in all kinds of different meditations learning how to “raise my vibration” and “expand my consciousness.” I’d already invested tens of thousands of dollars attending different workshops and retreats and seminars all over the world. And I’d already sat in numerous psychedelic ceremonies believing them to be portals for experiences of spiritual awakening.

In other words, at this point in time, I truly believed myself to be the ultimate creator of my reality.

I truly believed myself to be a master manifestor.

I truly believed myself to be an intelligent, “high-vibe” person who had transcended the archaic constructs of man-made religion and the dualistic worldview of good and evil.

And all of this meant that I believed that I lived in a universe where I was responsible for every single thing that happened in my life—because I had attracted it into my life (based on the “law of attraction”).

And yet… here I was in the aftermath of the most traumatic experiences of my life, where I was confronted with what I believed to be (and we were both in agreement about this) something demonic.

“How could I have possibly attracted this?”

It just didn’t make any sense to me.

Now, I know that even using the word demonic may sound crazy to some people, and I know that this is an extremely unpopular perspective in the post-enlightenment western world that we live in today, but it is what it is.

There’s a fantastic line from a movie called “Nefarious” which came out last year, that says:

“What do you do when something you don’t believe in, is right in front of your face?”

Although the context of the movie in which this line is said is very different than the context of what I experienced, this line perfectly expresses what I experienced.

I didn’t believe in evil… But I saw evil. (Not that my ex was evil, but that this spirit which would spontaneously take control of her, seemingly against her conscious will… and make her do these horrific things… that was evil.)

And I honestly don’t know if either of us would’ve made it out alive if it weren’t for Jesus Christ.

In some of the most terrifying situations I’ve ever experienced in my life, situations that I wish no one to ever have to experience, my instinct and only saving grace was to pray to Jesus. Especially in those final few months as our relationship was completely falling apart. When confronted with a real evil that I’d never witnessed before, all of my New Age spiritual practices suddenly became useless. And there was only one person who could save me—who could save us—and it wasn’t me…

It was Jesus.

The name above all names.

The name to which every knee should bow.

The name to which demons tremble.

And so I now had a very real, first-hand experience to testify of the unmatchable power of Jesus. I knew, at least on some level, that Jesus was God. But I still didn’t fully understand what that meant. I was still deeply enmeshed in all of my New Age belief systems and I still didn’t understand that New Age was incompatible with Christianity. I still hadn’t connected all the dots, and so I continued to ask the question…

“How in the world did I end up in this situation?”

Unable to see a way forward, and not knowing what else to do, I cried out to God and prayed like I’d never prayed before.

I begged Him to reveal to me how this had all happened, or at the very least, why this had all happened. I begged Him to open my eyes to be able to see whatever I needed to see and to learn from this experience. I begged him to show me how to move forward from here, because I felt like I was surrounded by complete and utter darkness… and I had no idea where to go from here.

It took a few days before I got some answers, but thanks be to God, it wasn’t long before my eyes were opened and suddenly I started to have revelation after revelation. I believe that I was touched by the Holy Spirit and the scales fell from my eyes.

I felt like I was unraveling a long thread of deception that had pulled me into this place of darkness in my life—and the more I retraced my steps and all the decisions I had made over the years that had led me here, and followed this thread to its root, the more free I could feel myself becoming.

One Month Later—My Day of Salvation

On July 27, 2022, just about one month after I decided to end that toxic relationship, I made the conscious decision to fully give the rest of my life to Jesus Christ and to accept Him as my Lord and Savior.

Shortly after that, I fully renounced all of my New Age beliefs and practices.

Shortly after that, I threw out all of my New Age crystals, I burned all of my New Age books (40+ of them), and I publicly repented of my past life of sin, pride, and rebellion.

And from there, I began the next adventure of my life—the adventure I’m currently on—which is an adventure of life with Christ.

Now, there’s a lot more to be said about what exactly happened in that one month before I decided to fully give my life to Christ, and what has happened since then. But I’ll have to save that for a future post(s).

For now… the point of my story is this:

I’m truly so grateful for everything I went through, including the toxic relationship, because it was through this darkness that I ultimately found the One True God I’d been (unknowingly) searching for my whole life.

This is nothing I can take credit for myself, of course, and I by no means say this to attempt to prop myself up on some sort of spiritual superiority above others.

I’m very aware that it was only by the grace of God (a grace that I did not deserve), and the power of the Holy Spirit (a power that I do not have), that I was saved out of the darkness (not only of that relationship but also of the false light of New Age) and brought into the Light of Christ.

And so, I recognize that at the end of the day, everything I went through was ultimately all a giant blessing in disguise that led me back to Jesus Christ, which is the best thing that has ever happened to me, bar none.

The thing that the devil meant for evil… God has now used for good.

How awesome is that?

How awesome is our God?!

As a Christian, I have an unshakeable knowing that—as demonstrated by God’s work through Jesus on the cross—there’s no amount of evil that God cannot turn around and use for good.

This is the Good News of the Gospel message—the battle has already been won. The victory has already been achieved. In other words, this is just a “mop-up” mission now, as I heard so perfectly expressed the other day.

Conclusion

I pray that my story gives you hope…

Hope that no matter what you’ve been through in the past, or no matter what you may currently be going through right now… No matter how difficult, how dark, or how impossible it may seem…

I hope you never forget that God is bigger… God is stronger… and God is more powerful.

We all need a Savior, and I promise you, it’s not ourselves.

If you’re feeling broken, lost, or confused…

Cry out to Jesus, and He will save you.

When you see no way forward, He will show you the way.

He did it for me, and I know He will do it for you, too.

That is, if you seek Him with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind.

It took me reaching absolute rock bottom to finally come to the end of myself and to be humbled enough to truly seek God… above all else.

Yes, it was partly out of a place of desperation, but it was also out of a place of humility.

I’d tried everything else, and nothing else worked. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I needed Him. I was at a point where I couldn’t breathe without God. I think that’s what it takes sometimes, especially those of us who are stubborn and prideful like myself. Sometimes we need to learn things the hard way.

But whatever it takes, we have eternal hope that God will never abandon us.

He’s always just waiting for us to say Yes to Him…

To open our hearts to Him…

To let Him in.

Now, I wish I could say that I was an overnight success story. Or that it’s all been sunshine and roses since I gave my life to Christ. But of course, that’s just not true.

My entire world was completely flipped upside down after I gave my life to Christ. My entire life had to be completely re-oriented. I was given a new life, but I had to start from scratch. I was given some incredible, unexplainable graces at first, but then I had a couple of more storms to navigate. To be honest, I’m still going through some of them, right now. And there’s a lot of hurt and pain from my past I’m still uncovering and healing from.

I’m very much still a work-in progress. It hasn’t been easy. And God is continuing to humble me, to form me, and to discipline me…

Every. Single. Day.

All of that being said… I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

In experiencing reconciliation with my Creator, through Jesus Christ, there is a peace in my soul that I’ve never known before. A peace in my soul that I’ve always longed for. A peace that surpasses all understanding.

I sometimes forget this and fall into my human tendency to strive and to prove and to perform. And when I do that, I take my eyes of Jesus. And things get bad. This happened recently.

But then I remember everything He’s done for me already, everything He’s saved me out of already, everything He’s given me already. I remember that I’m not the ultimate creator of reality… He is. And once I again, my soul takes a deep sigh of relief.

After over a decade of seeking, searching, grasping… For truth, for purpose, for happiness, for hope… In all the wrong places… I’ve finally found it. I’ve finally found Him. And in doing so, I’ve finally found myself.

Now, I’m just learning how to live this all out. How to truly trust in Him. Not just with my words, but with my actions, with my thoughts, and with every fiber of my being. I’m learning how to take full responsibility for my own issues that contributed to all the dysfunction I’ve experienced in my life (not only in that toxic relationship, but also in other relationships and in all other aspects of my life as well). I’m learning that before I become the man I desire to be, I still have a lot more healing, forgiving, and growing up to do—more than I’d like to admit.

And yet, perhaps what I’m learning most of all, is that my life is a gift.

And that there’s a good reason why I’m still here.

And that despite the countless mistakes and poor decisions I’ve made in the past…

I’m still a beloved son of God.

It’s one thing to understand this intellectually, but it’s a whole ‘nother thing to know it in your heart of hearts.

What does it look like to truly live as a beloved son? What does it look like to walk, to talk, to breathe, to move… as a beloved son… in my everyday life? In the good times, but more importantly, in the bad times?

That’s what I’m learning how to do now.

Imperfectly. One day at a time. One tiny step at a time.

But by the grace of God…

And with confidence in Christ…

I have hope… and I pray that you do, too.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Related Content:

• My CRAZY New Age To Jesus Testimony: From Moving to Bali, Living in LA Mansions, & Losing Everything

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Additional Mental Health Resources:

• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: If you are struggling and need immediate help, please dial 988 on your phone to be connected immediately to someone who can counsel you (website and live chat here). It’s available 24/7 in both English and Spanish. Outside the US? Please click here for a list of international hotlines.

• Crisis Text Line: Just text "HOME" to 741741 (website and more info here).

• The Prescription for Self-Doubt: Watch This Video

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